Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Ministry of Silly Coughs

by Bladimir Tolstoy

I guess many of you have been both irritated and amused by the pseudo coughs of anti-smokers in public places. Yes, you know, there you are sitting in a covered area outside a pub, which is designated for smokers, and some silly selfish anti will deliberately come and sit in it just so they can make little coughing noises.

Of course, people like these like to say that smokers are selfish when, in fact, they are the ones who are selfish as they now think the world revolves entirely around them.  So there they go, sitting in smoking areas and coughing or making other daft remarks in the face of any little tiny of smoke.  You would think from the over reactions of some of them that they were practising for future incarnations as kippers. Not a bad idea though, some of you may think, for the picture of an anti with a skewer up his or her arse is rather a delightful one.

I usually give short shrift to these people and sometimes cough along with them in an equally pathetic way.  You see, they think they are actually making you feel awkward when in fact you're just thinking "silly f****r".  Moreover, if they don't like smoking, then they should just stay out of the smoking area.  Get it, just don't come in, stay out, you don't have to go there! 

To round this little criticism off, firstly, does anyone remember the story about Daphne?  If not, here is our link:


Secondly, I'm not letting these silly bastards off the hook so lightly.  So I've compiled a sample of their silly coughs for our readers' amusement.

1. The Standard



2. My Car Won't Start



3. The Old Banger



4. The Complete Prat



5. The Female Chipmunk



6. The Big Noise



7. Can We Leave, Darling?



8. Oh, It's So Dreadfully Smokey In Here, Cedric!