Saturday, May 05, 2007


ASH are pleased to announce their slug clones, new cheery companions developed by Glaxo to help people stop smoking. Oozing real slime and real bad breath you just pop one of these cheeky little chums into your mouth every time you feel like a cigarette.

With a choice of two versions, the Wilmore (featured above) or the Arnott (below) these little clones, available in suck friendly non-carcinogenic plastic, just taste so awful after popping one in your mouth for half an hour you don't feel like smoking or eating for a week. "This revolutionary approach will solve that horrid old problem of putting on weight after stopping smoking," said Dr Ambrose Graft of Glaxo Europe. Also, let's not forget to mention that these are lying slug clones (ever seen a slug stand up?) and if you need a night-light their eyes light up in the dark letting you know you not alone.

The slug clones will soon be on the market at £300 each (making them much cheaper than patches and gum) but in the meantime, as a special promotional offer ASH are giving away free clones for a period of one month. So send ASH an e-mail enclosing your name and address accompanied by the words:

"I am a filthy nicotine addict grovelling before you and I claim my free Wimore/Arnott (delete as necessary) slugclone."

Here is what three satisfied slug clone owners have already said about this wonderful product.

"I cannot tell you how pleasant it is down the pub with no nasty smoke. But when I feel like a cigarette I just suck my slug clone. All my friends have admired it and asked me where I got it. You can always tell a slug clone user. They have a green mouth."

Mr A. Dyckhead (Hants)

"Yes, I am a test pilot and I cannot tell you what a comfort it is when I'm up there in a nose dive with the pull of 9Gs on my body to have that extra slug clone protection."

Mr Jet Crash (Biggin Hill)

"The slug clone is wonderful. Now hair grows on the palms of my hands all day long."

Mrs Lou Neebin (Durham)