Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Three Stooges…And D’Artagnan (or Who am I really?)

By Blad Tolstoy

Considering the dire political choice facing the British electorate to-day, there is little to look forward to. We have our three main political parties – New Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives - which are inept and unrepresentative and each one led by what can best be described as a stooge, although many people’s description of these three “honourable” gentlemen might be even less complimentary.

Under the circumstances, I found my mind wondering how each of these leaders may best be simply summed up. As I began the task of outlining a sketch for New Labour’s Gordon Brown some secret information was given to me by friends in MI5 and MI6. Subsequently, I was flabbergasted to learn that the real Brown was abducted by aliens from Zog, who were very keen to learn the esoteric art of bagpipe farting back in 1985.

Aghast that one of their rising stars should have been so cruelly removed, the Labour Party turned to their contacts in the Soviet Union who sent them a former general and economic advisor in the Russian army named Ivan Taxitoff. Taxitoff underwent substantial facial surgery but we have been lucky to obtain a photograph of him dressed in army uniform in pre-Glasnost days. Now we know why Brown’s economic strategies are as they are and why we have been lumbered with a large inefficient and unwieldy bureaucracy: it’s a case of Marxist economics.

The case of Nick Clegg of the Liberal (mirthless laugh) Democrats was more complex and contrary to what the reader might think. Indeed, this was the man who ordered his MPs to abstain from voting on a referendum for the European constitution. Deservedly, a number of them defied him, making him look very stupid (which he is).

The easy descriptive comparison of Clegg is as follows:

I apologise to Cadbury’s for using a picture of one of their “Flakes” (for at least I’d buy one of those as they’re rather nice) but theirs were the only flakes I could find pictures of.

However, I cannot leave matters at this point for I have begun to wonder if Nick Clegg is, in fact, really the Conservatives’ David Cameron in disguise. Now see this first picture here of Clegg and compare it with the next one of Cameron:

A striking resemblance you must agree which leads us to consider the reason why there may seem so little difference between them at times. Also, does it explain the reason why Cameron seems so totally mixed up as to what he wants to present to the country in the way of policies? It’s a mystery.

As I moved on with my musing I next tried to find an image which truly encapsulated the spirit of Cameron. I was having difficulty until there it was, staring down at me from the wall at work. Here is “Dave” as he really is:

Well, that about sums up the three stooges, but maybe matters could be worse and you could be French, in which case you’d be saddled with “D’Artagnon” Sarkozy. Aside from the fact he has a fixed grin like Tony Blair (with whom he is pictured here) this bumbling and dithering Gallic gent has managed to go from being very popular to being intensely disliked in six months. This leaves us in no doubt that he is really Inspector Clouseau. On the other hand, maybe he’s really Tony Blair. After all, don’t they both speak French?

Quelle dommage!